so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
