if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
