we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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