I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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