Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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