Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Randomize
