OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
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