I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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