Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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