I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
