Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
