somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
