im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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