I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
