you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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