God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
