SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
