Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
