Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
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