I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
