Umm I'm too high to move.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
