Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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