Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
