Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize