cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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