Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
