I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize