she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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