you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
