We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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