I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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