3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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