Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Why did my mother make you get naked?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
