My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
