you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
