i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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