Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
