best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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