My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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