how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
