how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
