I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize
