I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
