I will die if light touches me.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
