he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
