i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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