I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize