god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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