I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I FOUND THE LEGS
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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