i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
