Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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