dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
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