I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
