Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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