He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
