I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
