I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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