If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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