If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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