Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
