im having a threesome with these popsicles
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
